Friday, January 04, 2008

trust- why is it so difficult to be honest?

She Said, He Said -- Literally
DEAR MARGO: My new boyfriend is extremely uncomfortable with any contact I have with my ex-husband, whether it's phone or e-mail, even in regard to business. I am absolutely forbidden to have even a 30-second phone call. Is his reaction appropriate, or should he stay out of my relationship with my ex-husband since it does not involve him?

--- C.V.

DEAR MARGO: My girlfriend recently wrote to you regarding my uneasiness with her continued contact with her ex-husband. I'd like to set the facts straight. First of all, I never "forbid" her to do anything. I'm uneasy with her contact with the ex because she cheated on me with him and lied about it for six months. Even after the truth came out, she couldn't be honest about simple things like saying she called him. All I'm asking from her is that she keep her contact with him to a minimum and conduct it in a businesslike manner. (The divorce is almost final.) What's so wrong with asking her to take my feelings into consideration? Perhaps providing you with the full scope of the situation will help you render your advice. Thanks.

--- D.B.

Before I had read the boyfriend's version, I would have answered her this way:

He certainly sounds unreasonable, insecure and far too controlling in his approach. I would have added that I didn't think anyone over the age of 8 could be "forbidden" to do anything. I was taking her at her word that there were no lingering embers between her and the ex. My recommendation probably would have been to get her boyfriend to lighten up, bag the jealousy and go forward. Or not.

After reading his letter, however, the whole picture changed. The particulars had the ring of truth, and I then felt she was presenting a slanted picture to get me to come down on her side. Weighing both versions, a la Judge Judy, I would have to agree with the boyfriend in his request that the communication between the two of them be open and aboveboard, and that the dealings with the ex be brief. I would also compliment him for being able to get past her cheating. Not every man could. There is something particularly galling about cheating with an ex, not to mention lying about it.

Readers occasionally carp that I don't have both sides of the story when I answer letters. I think that is just the nature of this kind of column, and it is unrealistic to expect people to write me in pairs. Plus ... I have no desire to be Judge Judy.


Why can't ex-'s remain just that; ex-'s? Why is it so difficult to be upfront and honest? If I was that guy, after having knowledge of her letter and how it is so skewed and twisted to make her appear to be the victim, I would no longer be in her life. For whatever reason, that guy gave her ample opportunity to demonstrate her desire to be forgiven, yet she has once again lied and deceived him by making him appear to be the bad guy.
I would have two words for her: buh-bye.