fantasy football

For those that care and/or participate in fantasy football, I am currently in 3 leagues this season-

In one head-2-head (H2H) league I am currently residing in the 9th place out of 12 with a 2-3 record. Awful. I have only myself to blame for this as I did not stick to my plan like I did my other two teams below.

The next H2H league I am holding my own as the only undefeated team out of ten!

The last league is a points-based system and I am in 2nd place (out of 9 teams) with the top spot just a scant 44.66 points ahead of me.

Last season I won one of the two leagues I was in. This was a points-based league and I won it by a mere 1.72 points (2802.04 to 2800.32).
I also checked the archives and discovered that I won 3rd place with a pathetic 6-7 record. How is it a sub-.500 team wins 3rd place (H2H league out of 12 teams)? Speechless.

beginning monday-

I am going to start posting things from the past beginning in the decade I was born- the 70's. Yes, I was born in 1970, so I will try & lighten up the atmosphere around this blog with things that bring a smile to my face when I think about stuff from way back when, so stay tuned...
From November 23, 1970-

I haven't a clue as to what I am doing...

So, here we are again. Another Friday night... home... and nothing to do. There are very few people who actually read this, so I will just post what has been going on with me.

Where work is concerned: Wednesday I put in 12 hrs and Thursday I woke up at 4am. Not quite sure why. I went in and stayed until 2:15am Friday. I completely forgot I had to get gas, so that made going home a longer trek. I did find gas for $2.03 at an Exxon. I did not go my usual route, so I did not see what Race Track was charging, for those who get their petrol there. I did pass a 7-11 (allegedly the only one in the world with a drive-thru) on Preston on my way home and saw they had their gas for $1.99, so Race Track would probably be less expensive as they usually are the bargain around town. I did not see what the QT across the street from 7-11 had since I was in utter disbelief at how dirt-cheap their gas is. I got about 3 hrs of sleep this morning and was back at the old grind at 7:30am. I only worked until 4 today as I did what I had to do- such is the life of Tab. A lot of peeps can't believe my dedication and work ethic to the point where I get made fun of, but as soon as I turn it around and let them know if I worked for them that I would be just as dedicated and it is at that point they realize how nice that would be to have someone like me working for them.
I have not had a chance to workout this week and I am not happy about that at all. It is a source of my stress release. It is a source of me feeling good about myself physically. I am going to workout tomorrow morning so I can get some kind of physical activity in to be somewhat productive. I think that since I have not worked out this week, it has allowed me to become a bit bummed out as it gives my mind a chance to wonder & dwell on things...

I am not sure what all is going on as I am as naive as the dodo bird. I don't know what I am doing here. I am still going to church and actually went to Eucharistic Adoration and found that to be quite soothing & therapeutic to my soul. It gave me a sense of peace & balance & I am so thankful of Patty (my friend Emily's mom) of inviting me to go.
I believe a great deal of what I am negatively focusing on is the relentlessness of my impending birthday coming up. For those of you who know me, but may not be aware, I am going to turn 36 soon. I am not thrilled about this reality of being four short years away from turning 40. In fact, I am dreading it. Time is a ruthless bastard. I know there are a great many people out there in the world who have it much worse than I do, but right now what I am dealing with is important to me and I just do not know how to handle things.
The older I get, the more aware I become that I do not have it all together as I once believed. I know for a fact that there are people in my life to whom I am an embarrassment because I am not a successful businessman, because I do not have a job one can brag about, because I do not have a salary to boast of/bank account to discuss, nor a car to show off that screams "I am one of society's elite!" or a home to invite cliques to. Add to that the fact I do not have a girlfriend or wife in my life makes me less than proud of in certain people's eyes. My dreams of having a wife & family is just that- a dream. It is a fantasy. At one time in my life it was crystal-clear to see such a probability. But now it is slowly getting less clear as though a fog is creeping up on that desire and enveloping it making it more difficult to see. It could be that the more I yearn for that lifestyle, the more frustrated I become with myself for not being where I thought I would be at this point in my life. Why cannot I have that? Why does it seem to come so easy for the majority of people I see, yet it is something I am not supposed to have? Why do I feel like I am not allowed to have that life right now? When will I come into it, if ever? What is my destiny? There has to be a reason why I am sans wife and child.
There have been people who have reached out to me, but I have come up with excuses as to why I feel I am not deserving and they are the same excuses that I know why others are ashamed of me. Funny how I just realized that as I was typing out that sentence. I have also just acknowledged there is a conflict within that I am in constant battle with and that is I want to be married and have at least one child and I know I have so much to bring to a relationship- monogamy, honesty, trust, communication, respect, love, passion, patience, understanding, fun. But, then I negate all those wonderful qualities with the things that are held against me by others, so I in turn hold them against myself and make them public knowledge. For example, "thanks for thinking of me for your friend, but I only make $25k/yr before taxes, so I know I cannot support a relationship let alone provide for a wife & child. I'll never own a home either since I make jack-squat even though I love what I do for a living. I would hate for things to not work out, me end up being a disappointment to your friend and her question why you would have thought I would actually be good for her." I just thought that even though I would be able to give my child all the love in my heart, I just know I could not provide a life for them that I would prefer to, so it may be a good thing so they do not grow up poor & miserable.
Poor people like me do not get out much. Part of the reason is we just cannot afford it. But the part I focus on is the genuine reality of it- I cannot mislead a woman into thinking I go out a lot, so I do not want to waste her time. I mean, what if some woman were to approach me (I know, it's funny cos it's not true & never happens to me. It's obviously a hypothetical situation) and actually be attracted to me, but then realized the reason we only go out once/mo is due to my humble income. I would feel that she would regret meeting me since I cannot afford to treat her to fun evenings out on the town and then feel obligated to be with me since I am nice, but boring. And then, she might be thinking of the future and see that with a guy like me there is no future- no home, no retirement, no security to speak of. Besides, I am tired of being a disappointment to potential dates. They never go anywhere, so why even attempt it anymore? I have such a low self-esteem of myself right now that it is not even remotely funny, but instead it is quite sad.
I am just so thankful for the friends in my life who have put up with me over the years as I know it is not easy being my friend. I know I have things about me that are just difficult to figure out, a lot to tolerate and absorb. When I am with my friends I am a very happy person, but I do know I can be loud & outspoken, so I know that I not only have to work on the volume of my voice, but think before I speak. I know I have to work on lightening up, not being so literal about things and just letting things go. I have to work on being not only a better man, but a better friend, too. I mean, I am always there for my friends, but perhaps I need to be more aware of what's going on in their lives, keeping in touch better; i.e., be more appreciative of them and not take for granted they will always be there.
Perhaps the quality of my life would be better if I was as dedicated to it and confident in it as I am with my job. The truth is, it is safer to hide behind this monitor and not allow myself to get hurt/be a disappointment to anyone by putting up these walls of protection and solitude.