So, here we are again. Another Friday night... home... and nothing to do. There are very few people who actually read this, so I will just post what has been going on with me.
Where work is concerned: Wednesday I put in 12 hrs and Thursday I woke up at 4am. Not quite sure why. I went in and stayed until 2:15am Friday. I completely forgot I had to get gas, so that made going home a longer trek. I did find gas for $2.03 at an Exxon. I did not go my usual route, so I did not see what Race Track was charging, for those who get their petrol there. I did pass a 7-11 (allegedly the only one in the world with a drive-thru) on Preston on my way home and saw they had their gas for $1.99, so Race Track would probably be less expensive as they usually are the bargain around town. I did not see what the QT across the street from 7-11 had since I was in utter disbelief at how dirt-cheap their gas is. I got about 3 hrs of sleep this morning and was back at the old grind at 7:30am. I only worked until 4 today as I did what I had to do- such is the life of Tab. A lot of peeps can't believe my dedication and work ethic to the point where I get made fun of, but as soon as I turn it around and let them know if I worked for them that I would be just as dedicated and it is at that point they realize how nice that would be to have someone like me working for them.
I have not had a chance to workout this week and I am not happy about that at all. It is a source of my stress release. It is a source of me feeling good about myself physically. I am going to workout tomorrow morning so I can get some kind of physical activity in to be somewhat productive. I think that since I have not worked out this week, it has allowed me to become a bit bummed out as it gives my mind a chance to wonder & dwell on things...
I am not sure what all is going on as I am as naive as the dodo bird. I don't know what I am doing here. I am still going to church and actually went to Eucharistic Adoration and found that to be quite soothing & therapeutic to my soul. It gave me a sense of peace & balance & I am so thankful of Patty (my friend Emily's mom) of inviting me to go.
I believe a great deal of what I am negatively focusing on is the relentlessness of my impending birthday coming up. For those of you who know me, but may not be aware, I am going to turn 36 soon. I am not thrilled about this reality of being four short years away from turning 40. In fact, I am dreading it. Time is a ruthless bastard. I know there are a great many people out there in the world who have it much worse than I do, but right now what I am dealing with is important to me and I just do not know how to handle things.
The older I get, the more aware I become that I do not have it all together as I once believed. I know for a fact that there are people in my life to whom I am an embarrassment because I am not a successful businessman, because I do not have a job one can brag about, because I do not have a salary to boast of/bank account to discuss, nor a car to show off that screams "I am one of society's elite!" or a home to invite cliques to. Add to that the fact I do not have a girlfriend or wife in my life makes me less than proud of in certain people's eyes. My dreams of having a wife & family is just that- a dream. It is a fantasy. At one time in my life it was crystal-clear to see such a probability. But now it is slowly getting less clear as though a fog is creeping up on that desire and enveloping it making it more difficult to see. It could be that the more I yearn for that lifestyle, the more frustrated I become with myself for not being where I thought I would be at this point in my life. Why cannot I have that? Why does it seem to come so easy for the majority of people I see, yet it is something I am not supposed to have? Why do I feel like I am not allowed to have that life right now? When will I come into it, if ever? What is my destiny? There has to be a reason why I am sans wife and child.
There have been people who have reached out to me, but I have come up with excuses as to why I feel I am not deserving and they are the same excuses that I know why others are ashamed of me. Funny how I just realized that as I was typing out that sentence. I have also just acknowledged there is a conflict within that I am in constant battle with and that is I want to be married and have at least one child and I know I have so much to bring to a relationship- monogamy, honesty, trust, communication, respect, love, passion, patience, understanding, fun. But, then I negate all those wonderful qualities with the things that are held against me by others, so I in turn hold them against myself and make them public knowledge. For example, "thanks for thinking of me for your friend, but I only make $25k/yr before taxes, so I know I cannot support a relationship let alone provide for a wife & child. I'll never own a home either since I make jack-squat even though I love what I do for a living. I would hate for things to not work out, me end up being a disappointment to your friend and her question why you would have thought I would actually be good for her." I just thought that even though I would be able to give my child all the love in my heart, I just know I could not provide a life for them that I would prefer to, so it may be a good thing so they do not grow up poor & miserable.
Poor people like me do not get out much. Part of the reason is we just cannot afford it. But the part I focus on is the genuine reality of it- I cannot mislead a woman into thinking I go out a lot, so I do not want to waste her time. I mean, what if some woman were to approach me (I know, it's funny cos it's not true & never happens to me. It's obviously a hypothetical situation) and actually be attracted to me, but then realized the reason we only go out once/mo is due to my humble income. I would feel that she would regret meeting me since I cannot afford to treat her to fun evenings out on the town and then feel obligated to be with me since I am nice, but boring. And then, she might be thinking of the future and see that with a guy like me there is no future- no home, no retirement, no security to speak of. Besides, I am tired of being a disappointment to potential dates. They never go anywhere, so why even attempt it anymore? I have such a low self-esteem of myself right now that it is not even remotely funny, but instead it is quite sad.
I am just so thankful for the friends in my life who have put up with me over the years as I know it is not easy being my friend. I know I have things about me that are just difficult to figure out, a lot to tolerate and absorb. When I am with my friends I am a very happy person, but I do know I can be loud & outspoken, so I know that I not only have to work on the volume of my voice, but think before I speak. I know I have to work on lightening up, not being so literal about things and just letting things go. I have to work on being not only a better man, but a better friend, too. I mean, I am always there for my friends, but perhaps I need to be more aware of what's going on in their lives, keeping in touch better; i.e., be more appreciative of them and not take for granted they will always be there.
Perhaps the quality of my life would be better if I was as dedicated to it and confident in it as I am with my job. The truth is, it is safer to hide behind this monitor and not allow myself to get hurt/be a disappointment to anyone by putting up these walls of protection and solitude.
1 comment:
TAB ,
what is holding you back is your job. I know you love it. But seriously, you owe nothing to that company. Big deal, you used to be friends with the family of the company. But that is no excuse for them to pay you 25k a year. DART workers get at least 40K a year plus benefits for doing jack shit. you might love what you are doing, but what you really love is the commitment of what you are doing. It is filling in the relationship void and giving you purpose. This doesn't sound like you but you need to be selfish towards yourself. Go in and demand 40k a year or they can find someone who doesn't have the dedication you do and won't get shit done like you do. Sad thing is that they would prob. pay some new person with less experience more than you cause they know they can pay you nothing and you will still pull over nighters to please mr. and mrs. dip shit getting their shitty honeymoon 8mm reels done. If they don't accept your 40k offer. Then go to anywhere that does. Its not the job your in love with, its the responsibility. At least at any other job, you can go in and when 40 hours is reached at the end of the week, you can get out of there and enjoy your life. With a little more time and money, you will get confidence to let all the pointless rejections roll off of you like meaningless rain drops. Each rejection will give you more confidence until your one stud machine, treating girls like shit reminding them of their shitty fathers. Cause that all girls want anyways. I'm not saying lose the nice guy routine, cause that will prob. pan out for you. But realize chicks are the new dudes. If you present yourself like "here I am, this is what you get, if you don't like it, high tail it bitch cause I'm fucking TAB.". Again, this all stems from your job. Think about this after you have just been rejected, feeding some film from some broke ass projector, as your boss rolls up in a new cadillac asking if the the johnson film order is done yet, then strolls out of the office to home.
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