flabbergasted

I have noticed a sour trend in my posts lately. For shame. Where's the fun? Where's the humor? Outside of the great vacation, nothing to really speak of this past summer (that I can remember right now, but I am sure there are other things). I had taken a nose-dive as far as me being positive about things, but things don't always turn out the way we'd hoped and there is always a reason for this although we don't necessarily see it that way immediately. We usually see it as a pisser and that led me to having a negative view on myself for a week or so. It's just part of my process of how I deal with rejection. I begin to really magnify, no- amplify why I probably strike out so often with women. I rip on myself up one side & down another & really put myself down. I retreat within myself and put up walls to distance myself & scurry back to my home where it is safe, no one can hurt me, and I can't make myself vulnerable.
What sucks is as often as I do strike out- it never stops feeling bad. One may think that if it happens so often I should be used to it. I'd like to get used to it, blow it off (i.e., not dwell on it), but I take it personal each & every time cos of the simple fact it does happen all the time, so there has to be something(s) about me that repels women, but I am hopeful that some woman will find me adorable enough to take a chance and get to know me.
I guess I want a relationship that is looked at as a weakness in a man- being in love. Seems like women in general are becoming less sweet and more cynical, dream less of romance and more of materialistic items, and are more angry about things. Some seem to go overboard with a lot of things, but this is just all from my point of view & me talking out of my ass.